The hoes are unimpressed with your sarcastic detachment, and are enchanted with my sincere wonder. Writhe like the worm you are.

I have a permanent scar from a crop top related deep frying incident and I have learned nothing but a warriors resolve.

Anointed.

He do be squintin

One time I tried to listen to a true crime podcast (I've never denied being an edgelord with a fascination for macabre shit) but I tapped out halfway through the first episode b/c the people on the serial killer podcast started talking about how being a goth is a sign that someone is probably a serial killer

"An unnatural interest in darkness and evil" Motherfucker that's what your podcast is

This happens so often in true crime oh my gods. “This person had a bunch of books about serial killers” the only difference between this murder suspect and you is that they read books STFU True Crime People

THE AUDACITY OF THEM TO SAY THIS, FUCK NETFLIX FR

Large concrete Soviet apartment buildings are a type of girl

This is kind of true actually. In Russian we reffer to different types of apartment buildings by the surname of whoever was in power in USSR at the time, the 3 main types are: ‘Stalinka’, ‘Khruschevka’ and ‘Brezhnevka’, the styles are distinct enough from each other to the point that you could easily distinguish them at a glance if you know what to look for. But the main thing is that ’-ka’ is a feminine ending in Russian which means that all soviet apartment buildings are, in fact, girls.

This is the best thing I’ve read all day

actually sex is fun and casual if you want it to be and serious and sacred if you want it to be bc you make that choice for yourself and nobody else!

thank you @a-flawless-catastrophe for this excellent way of putting it this is perfect

guys will have chronic gets distracted disorder and then be like ‘aw man how could i have gotten distracted’

If I can recommend you do 1 low-effort thing for the love of God it is this:

Keep 5 cards in your pocket. One will say "yes", the second will say "no."

If you lose your voice, or lose speech, or want to make a dramatic embellishment at the right time, it is an elegant and efficient solution that is right there at hand.

But what if people question you from there? "Why do you have that card? Why would you do this? How long have you had that in your pocket?" For this, or whatever else they say, the third card: "I don't have a card for that."

"What the fuck," they ask. They laugh. They are bemused. You bring the energy back down with the fourth card: "I have laryngitis. I've lost speech. My throat hurts". Whatever you expect to occur.

The joke is over. Rule of threes. Now they are curious. YThey wonder about logistics. "How did you know I would say that? Is everyone so predictable?"

As a three-part bit, nobody ever sees the fifth card coming.

"I have powerful wizard magics."

Gets them every time

On it boss!!

[id: a set of 5 UNO cards upon which has been written, "Yes", "no", "I don't have a card for that", "can't talk right now 😢", and "I have powerful wizard magics 🙂". End id]